Dear Men,

I am going to do a 2 part series. One for men. One for women.

I have decided I will start with the men. Because, when all is said and done, it is the divine masculine in men that must be tapped into to create and be a space of safety for the divine feminine to show up. 

A woman who is willing to expose her heart, to be vulnerable and open herself up–mentally, emotionally and physically, is very appealing to a man. It is sexy. It is what he wants. 

The unfortunate irony is that if her man is not working on and being aware of his own issues, that makes him an unsafe place for her to let her guard down and expose her vulnerability. And yet, in most semi-healthy relationships, if the woman will show some vulnerability and let him see her pain, that will quickly polarize him into a more masculine energy—because she is embodying her feminine energy. So it becomes a bit of “Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?”

My husband and I have gone back and forth with each other discussing this issue. Who must go first? Whose responsibility is it to go within and “show up”? On one level, of course the answer is both of us. Both men and women are responsible to do their own inner spiritual work. 

My husband is adamant that it is the man’s responsibility to step up first. Or perhaps it's better said that: Until a man steps up and connects with God and the divine masculine within himself, his woman can never fully show up in her divine feminine. I agree with him.

Men have a specific role in this dynamic. As men start to step into their own divinely masculine energy, we will see healthy femininity show up in response to it. But if men don’t go first, it’s going to be impossible because she’s never going to be safe. The women are waiting for the men, because the men have to be the holder of that space, you men must be the keeper, the guard. 

Again, to clarify the terms I’m using here, I am using the term divine masculine/feminine to describe a man/woman who has done their inner work and are consciously yielding to the Spirit of God, not their natural man. Men and women who are connected to God through strong faith with a sound mind in every form of Godliness. Not just masculinity and femininity in the traditional sense, but the divine and godly masculinity and femininity that we can all access within us.

The most important thing I want to communicate is how deeply men are needed.  Men don’t need to hear how messed up they are, how they need to do their work, how immature they are—-men need to hear that the world is falling apart and you’re the only ones who can bring it back!

Men respond to a calling, not to “You need to do things differently.”

That’s why, when we women come to him and tell him everything that he’s not doing and what he should be doing—that is just his mother nagging him. He’s not being called to anything. Instead, if we could learn to communicate our needs something like this: “I wish you were more present with me because I feel this…despair in my body when you are distracted…and I think you don’t notice me…etc.” If we could just learn to inspire him, instead of constantly disapproving and criticizing him.

Women need safety from men. Men don’t need safety from women. The man has to get that from within, this is what will keep him powerful, alive and potent enough to protect her, and a family, and a community.

The woman is there to “feed” him–to nourish his soul, through her ability to embellish and love and create and dance and just ooze herself all over everything….that’s what makes life worth living.

If a man does not feel “safe”, he needs to go within and get that. It’s not a woman’s place to bring safety to a man. A man has to find that himself, that’s why a man has to separate himself and go into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and confront his demons. To risk “death” until he becomes so self-knowing, self-reliant and trustworthy. 

A man needs to know that he is absolutely alone–with God, and he needs to drop to the floor and go through his emotions and fears and everything else until he can stand himself up and brush the dust off. There’s no pass for a man in this. Jesus Christ is the greatest role model of this. He is the perfect man. 

The “needy little boy energy” is not safe for a woman, based on where she wants to go sexually, energetically, eternally–she needs a much stronger presence who can be there for her. She needs a man of clarity who knows his “why” behind everything he does.  She needs a man who has done his work. Who understands that for her power to emerge, it needs a witness and space. Feminine power needs to be seen and clarified by an opposite force. This is polarity.

Men, without you seeing her and without her feeling you really tuning into and seeing her, she won’t ever allow herself to fully unravel in her femininity with you—as a gift. If you don’t show up, she has nobody to dance with….to dance for. 

To evoke a surrender within his wife to her own femininity, a man must do, or be, a few things. The first and most important is–Certainty. What is healthy masculinity–it’s Clarity. It’s knowing yourself from head to toe, a man knowing everything about himself. So when he steps up to a woman he brings nothing but vastness and clarity, not confusion and uncertainty.

Then he can actually see her for what she is without projecting onto her all of the conditioning he’s gotten in life. If he approaches her in this way he will love her in a way that she’s never experienced before because she is truly being seen. It is almost as if she is being seen by God. Indeed, she is being seen by God through her husband's eyes.

The healthy masculine is a man who has already gone through his own internal surrender process to God. He’s not just trying to figure life out with his head in a reactive way, he’s got something far more intelligent guiding and directing his life.

The feminine has lots of feelings! She can be so big and dark, up and down. She can be a lot. Life is all about energy and the thing that carries more energy on this earth than anything, is a woman who is embodied and who is willing to feel herself.

A man has to practice being with this energy and not fear it overwhelming him. He has to practice staying present and aware as the energy around him increases. That is so much of a man’s work–How can he continue grounding down and staying present and aware as life gets more and more overwhelming. A man needs to be still so he can feel his power. Men need to feel powerful.

Everyone wants to run away from discomfort, but when you really start to feel into yourself, you realize that you’re the only one you’re trying to run away from. 

Fairy tales stand the test of time because they communicate an eternal truth. They follow a certain story: There is a princess in danger, a “knight in shining armor” comes to the rescue and battles the dragon. When he is victorious and slays the dragon, he wins the princess’ heart and they live happily ever after. 

Men must battle and slay many “dragons” in day to day life–work, providing, protecting, fixing, sacrificing, etc. But at the end of the day, there is only one dragon that must be slayed. The one found within himself. His “Wetiko”. Wetiko is a Native American term that describes a sort of mind virus that is like a cannibalizing spirit that is the source of all the evil that's playing out individually, relationally and collectively. It is the battle that is fought and won within us. Clearly it is a word to describe the natural man within all of us.

The biggest battle a man faces is with his Wetiko. It is the only battle really.