IDEALS and their corrupted counterparts

A friend shared a concern he had with some things I wrote in Dear Men and Dear Women, and I would like to address it. He said:

"In romantic relationships, one of the most common dysfunctional pairings is that of an avoidant attachment man paired with an anxiously attached woman. Many marriage therapists will tell you that this is the most common arrangement seen among their clients. Your two pieces together seem to somewhat endorse this arrangement, so I was thinking you might want to explain how the ideal relationship you present differs from that dysfunctional version. Anyhow, at a very quick read, your pieces could be viewed as promoting this pattern if not studied more deeply."

My response follows,
My husband and I have embodied that unhealthy anxious/avoidant dynamic in various ways for most of our marriage, as I expect most people have. We have engaged in an extensive amount of healing work in our relationship with each other, and this was only possible when we were both finally willing to acknowledge and own up to our own part in the problem and then to do the work that is required to confront and heal our wounding that caused the unhealthy behaviors in the first place.

We are far from perfect to be sure, but we are both keenly aware that as we submit to the spirit of God, we are led to be better spouses to each other. Because we both want this kind of relationship, we are willing to continuously strive to be aware of our own issues and allow the spirit of God to direct our actions and words and thoughts even.

When I bring this up to my husband, he will adamantly say that this healing is only possible with God. Sure we can all initiate and start to do our own "shadow work", and should, but until and unless you surrender your natural man 100% to God, you cannot heal these unhealthy behaviors entirely. That has been his experience and he will not budge on it. And he's not wrong either.

When I wrote the Dear Men post, I was writing about how a man is when he has surrendered it all to God. When he is “all in” that means he's willing to submit to the spirit of God in all things, and that means doing things that his natural man will find highly distressing and difficult to do. And yet because he is "all in", he will submit to the spirit of God, regardless of the difficulty involved.

As a man does that, then he is able to embody that healthy, strong, godly masculine behavior I described. He becomes more and more like the God he truly worships in deed, not just word.

The same principle applies to a woman as she yields to the spirit of God.

So the truth is that, as I stated in my first post on this blog, I'm speaking of the ideal. I am exploring what a Godly marriage looks like. Thus, I am speaking to the people who have already done a certain amount of this inner work--who have learned better relationship skills than anxious/avoidant behaviors and actively seek to have God lead them in life. The couples who are ready to be exposed to higher relationship dynamics of a more godlike marriage are going to seek to learn how to step into these new, higher ways of being. Because it really is a way of being first, and doing second.

Again, I am speaking in ideals here and we all fall short. But we also should expect to become better than we are, to get better at life. We should be progressing in very real and measurable ways in our goals to become like God, and in our connection and devotion to God.

If anyone finds themselves stuck in unhealthy dynamics in their relationship, then they should make it a priority to address the issues and learn better, more healthy ways of interacting. Ultimately, as a people who seek to become a Zion community, we should be actively seeking to submit to the spirit of God in ALL things. If a person does that, they will be led by God to correct and heal these behaviors in themselves in beautiful and profoundly loving ways.

Back to my friends' concern that the things I am speaking of, potentially could look somewhat like the unhealthy relationship dynamic of anxious/avoidant that so many people find themselves in, I actually think that this unhealthy attachment style is a corruption of the ideal.

I'm of the belief that men should be men and women should be women. And while we all have masculine and feminine energy within us and we all function in one or the other energy in any given situation, fundamentally we are two different sexes, and thus two different energies.

And certain behaviors fall under one or the other. For example, being stoic is a masculine trait, vulnerability is feminine. Are there unhealthy expressions of stoic-ness and vulnerability, absolutely! Just because a man is stoic, does not mean he is healthy and godly. Nor does it mean a healthy man is never vulnerable. Just because a woman is emotional and co-dependent in her relationships does not mean she is embodying healthy and godly femininity.

My goal with this blog is to describe a godly marriage relationship as I have experienced it. The ideal. A way of being that is only possible when two people are actively and honestly seeking to be more like God by submitting to the spirit of God in all things.

I'm going to end this post by quoting several paragraphs from Denver Snuffer's blog entry entitled:


3 Nephi 12: 31-32, from October 14, 2010. The whole post is very good and worth a reread.

"Christ was re-enshrining the significance of marriage. It should not be easy to end a marriage. But, then again, perhaps the kind of marriage Christ is speaking of is one of a higher order and rarely exists here.

Although there are reasons for every marriage to be treated as sacred and worth preserving, it was always intended for there to be a higher purpose in marriage.

…But a higher kind of union, where love is the prevailing rule, is not often established here. More often than not, the marriages of this world are corrupted, just as society itself is corrupted.

…No union that has not been sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise will endure beyond the grave. (See D&C132:7, 18, among other places.) The reason for sealing such a marriage by the promise of the Spirit is because it replicates the kind of holy union found in heaven. It is like unto the unions between gods and goddesses. It is worthy of preservation because it is eternal. It is enduring. It is worth preserving into all eternity. It is sealed because the gods recognize on the earth a mirror of what is found in heaven itself. Therefore heaven ratifies and approves the relationship. They do not create such relations in heaven, but instead recognize them here, and approve them for eternal duration. Without such a relationship, the parties are worthy of continuation as angels, but not as spouses, as Christ would put it elsewhere. (Matt. 22:30; see also D&C 132:17.)

Now, to be clear, I do not advocate divorce, particularly where minor children are involved. But I do advocate a higher view of the marital union where the prevailing reason for the union is love.

…Unhappy marriages might all be saved if the parties would repent. The higher ideal is not impossible for any union to seek and find. That is the right of every party here, if they will but seek after it."

I just want to repeat this part: Unhappy marriages might all be saved if the parties would repent.

It all hinges on repentance. Everything God is offering, including the eternal potential of our marriages, hinges upon our repentance. And it is freely offered to all. But alas, so few of us are really willing to truly repent and come to God that he might heal us.

Perhaps I should point out here that the more correct understanding of repentance is essentially to change your mind when presented with new, better, truer information.  It's not about beating ourselves up and shame, it's about embracing the truth when you are presented with it, even if it contradicts something you believed before.  So much of repentance is about allowing Christ to heal our wounds, forgiving ourselves and moving forward in healthier ways. 

The wound is the place where the light enters you. -Rumi