RED LIGHT-GREEN LIGHT, and other games girls play

We’ve all walked into a room after two people have been in an argument and we can feel the negative energy hanging in the air. Even without them saying a word, we can feel the tension between them. 

Everything is energy/spirit.

A woman doesn’t have to be literally telling a man all of the negative things that she believes and thinks about him, all she has to do is have a subtle thought in the back of her mind that clouds her ability to see anything good or divine in him–this alone creates an energetic contraction in him. His spirit picks up on her thoughts/beliefs and rather than expanding towards her, he retracts backward into himself.

Both men and women are often unaware that they behave in ways that cause others, especially the opposite sex, to perceive them as a threat and then react from the worst part of themselves. It’s like kicking a dog and then being surprised that it runs away or bites you. 

It’s instinctual and it is activated by the perception of a threat. When we perceive a threat, hormones are released instantly–you can’t stop it. A lot of disciplines try to get our spirit or “higher self” to overcome and suppress our “human animal”--our instinctual responses. 

But the effort it takes to overcome our human instincts is tremendous. It is so much work. What if instead, we could have an awareness of our instincts and then add in “choice”, instead of trying to kill or suppress our instinct? What if we consciously chose to act on our instincts, or not? That kind of awareness would solve most of the problems we face in our marriages, as well as every other relationship. 

That being said, a man who feels “safe” around a woman wants to protect and provide for her. Women often think that they can just throw all of their “stuff” onto a man and he should just be able to take it. After all, men are supposed to be the ones providing the safety for us women, right!

But we will see the worst from men when they feel like they have to protect themselves from us, when we are the threat. Women often think, as we are in the process of emasculating a man, that he should be able to handle it and take it. A real man can take it, right?

But a real man doesn’t take it, a real man doesn’t allow it. 

I hear a lot of women complaining about men. They want their King, dammit! Why is their man a frog and not a prince? Well, there is an excellent book that I highly recommend to all women who want to have a better relationship with their husband(and men in general) . It's called The Queen’s Code, by Alison Armstrong. It will show you, if you are willing to see it, how much you are creating the problem of not having the kind of man you want in your husband.

I’m going to share a useful practice for women(and men, but women need to do this much more than men). I’m sure we are all familiar with the idea that you see what you’re looking for.  So ask yourself, What do I need to do so that I can actually see the divine in my husband? What stories do I tell myself that I need to become aware of and correct?

Ask yourself: “Is my husband_______(take your pick–conscious, safe, sensitive, sexy, caring, good, aware, brave, powerful, godly, etc)?”

It all changes when we add in 1 word. Now ask: “How is my husband_______(conscious, safe, sensitive, sexy, caring, good, aware, brave, powerful, godly, etc)?”

See the difference! Surely you can find something that he’s doing right. Now imagine that you begin to hold that thought of How he is good, brave, aware, etc, in your mind. He will pick up on that energy and his energy will expand towards you instead of retreating.

We women really need to learn how men function. It's really not that complicated. (btw that is not meant to be an insult to you men!!) I actually find the straight-forwardness of dealing with men quite refreshing.

Men are excruciatingly susceptible to women. I don’t think this is news to anyone. We women make regular use of this susceptibility men have towards us, for better or worse.

To put it simply, if a woman is happy with what a man is bringing to her life, the man wins. If she is unhappy with what he is doing/bringing/creating/offering to her, he loses. Most of this winning and losing takes place energetically. He is painfully aware of whether he measures up for her or not, without her even saying a word. And when she does say a word or two, he knows for sure whether he has “won” or “lost” in that moment.

Did you ever play “red light-green light” as a kid? The game where everyone stands on one side of the room and one person stands on the other side and calls out “green light” and everybody starts running. Then the person calls out “red-light” and everybody has to stop exactly as they are. 

Well, I did, but that’s not the game I’m going to be talking about here. I recently came across this idea and I liked it, so I’m going to share it. Think of every man having a red light and a green light on his chest. Whenever he wins with us, his green light shines brightly. When he loses with us, his red light comes on. 

He has no control over these lights. He is not deciding when one or the other goes on. He is not judging you when he loses and his red light goes on. Nor can he help but love you when he wins and his green light shines. His winning and losing happens in response to the response of his woman. 

The woman who makes his green light flash again and again, is the woman he will walk through fire for, the woman he will cross deserts and mountains for.  Conversely, every time that red light flashes, men die a little. They get smaller and smaller. It hurts. The more men lose with a woman, the more he wants to escape her company. It's easy to see how that is not a recipe for success in a marriage!

Now, I know you're probably thinking: “Well sometimes men do stupid things and they shouldn’t “win” with us!!”  And while that may be true enough, we are all adults here and I am not talking about those situations. I am talking about your general attitude as a woman. As a wife. If you are constantly unhappy and never pleased with anything he does, he’s going to pull away from you. It’s as simple as that. 

There is a common saying that goes: If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

Show me a miserable household and I’ll show you a miserable woman at the center of it. At the heart of every miserable marriage, you will find a miserable wife. And while it is true that sometimes a marriage should be ended for certain problems, that should always be the exception, not the rule. My assumption in writing this blog is that the readers want their marriage to be even better than it is. 

As women, we have an extreme amount of power to make our marriage heaven or hell. In fact I am going to say that, that ball is almost exclusively in our court. Perhaps that is one reason why Denver suggested in his post that I quoted in "IDEALS and their corrupted counterparts", that a marriage should only be ended when a woman wants it to be over.

In the book The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura says this on page 64:

“If a woman does not marry a sociopath or narcissist, then she’s got her basic “male package.” And your basic male is a decent creature with simple desires: to be his wife’s hero, to be his wife’s dream lover, to be the protector and provider for his family, to be respected, admired, and appreciated. Men live to make their women happy.

The cruelest thing a wife can do to a husband is to never be happy. And don’t forget, being happy is more an attitude than a reality.”

In marriage, I believe women hold the power. It is our domain and we have the power to make it a happy relationship or an unhappy one. I have long been aware that if my husband is not happy about something while I am happy, he is easily “persuaded” out of his bad mood. If it is the other way around and I am angry or upset, and he is happy and lighthearted, I am usually not amused and can shoot him down pretty quickly by activating that red light in him. Well, I should clarify, that doesn’t happen much anymore. We’ve learned much better ways of interacting with each other. 

But one of the most important things I’ve learned over the years is that I hold a tremendous amount of power to make my marriage happy or not. In fact, I would say that I am the determining factor of whether my marriage is a happy marriage or not.