The Feeling Formula
I’m sure we’ve all been through phases in our marriage where it feels like you’re in a battle rather than an intimate relationship. You know how it is, every conversation becomes a potential conflict and every moment is met with defensiveness instead of empathy, how it feels like you are constantly attacking or on guard, protecting yourself from perceived attacks rather than opening up to your spouse in vulnerability. You feel like your relationship is broken, struggling, very little trust is found and deep connection only feels like a frustrated dream.
I think we’ve all been there, and it really sucks! It’s so hard when you feel like your spouse is your enemy.
A few years ago God taught me something about my marriage. I suppose it was something I have heard before, but this time it stuck. I understood it. I was shown that when my husband and I were fighting and at odds with each other, I viewed us as being enemies. I saw us as being on opposite sides, that we were against each other.
This time I was able to see that our problem or issue or fight was our mutual enemy. That in the true reality it was actually "us" against "it", but because we are in a veil of forgetfulness in a dark and cutoff world, we get confused and think that we are each other’s enemy.
I was explaining this new found understanding to my husband and I laughed and said: “We keep forgetting who we really are and then we think we are enemies!” It was so freeing and empowering to really comprehend this idea.
One of the most important things we can do is to truly remember who we are! Of course God is the one that facilitates this remembrance, but we should seek this knowledge earnestly. We are all under a veil of forgetfulness. We have all forgotten who we really are and what we are doing on this earth. We have forgotten why we are here, why it is so hard here, why there is a veil, why we are all so confused and angry and hurt. And none of it is God’s fault! It is Lucifer’s fault. We are caught up in a cosmic war and we are in this tiny cutoff space where we don’t remember any of it and we are deeply confused.
No wonder God has so much compassion and mercy for us. It is no wonder that they would come down here to save us. How could they do anything else? It is what you do when you are a God, you do what must be done. There really is no other option.
We all need to remember who we are. We need to remember or at least understand what is really going on and who our true enemy is. It is not each other.
Ephesians 6:12 tells us this very thing:
I wanted to share something I found to be very helpful for me as I was learning how to communicate with my husband in a new way, a way that did not place us as each other's enemies. It is a script that I still don’t use perfectly in the “heat of the moment”, but I’m getting better at it. And I’m really good at using it “after the fact”, like 20 minutes later or even a day after a misunderstanding.
It has opened up an understanding between me and my husband on a few issues that we have been in conflict over for more than 20 years!
All because I was finally able to say: “You know when you do this thing…I assume it means this…and then I feel this way…. And that’s why I always react this way…”
And he was like: “Really? No, that’s not at all why I’m doing it or what it means…”
It’s called The Feeling Formula. I think it came from an interview with a woman called Dr. Sue Johnson. (I really need to keep better notes!) Here is the script:
“When (share what happened),
I assumed (share your assumption),
And I felt (share your vulnerable feeling)."
This is a simple way to share your feelings about something without upsetting your partner. And remember that feelings are ONE WORD only. If you use more than one word, you are describing what you are thinking, not what you are feeling, and that’s where innocent conversations blow up into hurtful arguments.
I have found this way of communicating to be immensely helpful when we were trying to navigate our way out of acting and feeling as though we were each other's enemies. You must tread carefully with gentleness and forgiveness as you learn to create emotional safety for each other in your relationship. Remember, you are the most dangerous person in your spouse's world, because you have the ability to hurt them more than anyone else because they love you. We should all hold that truth sacred and strive to be our spouses' most safe place.
I think we’ve all been there, and it really sucks! It’s so hard when you feel like your spouse is your enemy.
A few years ago God taught me something about my marriage. I suppose it was something I have heard before, but this time it stuck. I understood it. I was shown that when my husband and I were fighting and at odds with each other, I viewed us as being enemies. I saw us as being on opposite sides, that we were against each other.
This time I was able to see that our problem or issue or fight was our mutual enemy. That in the true reality it was actually "us" against "it", but because we are in a veil of forgetfulness in a dark and cutoff world, we get confused and think that we are each other’s enemy.
I was explaining this new found understanding to my husband and I laughed and said: “We keep forgetting who we really are and then we think we are enemies!” It was so freeing and empowering to really comprehend this idea.
One of the most important things we can do is to truly remember who we are! Of course God is the one that facilitates this remembrance, but we should seek this knowledge earnestly. We are all under a veil of forgetfulness. We have all forgotten who we really are and what we are doing on this earth. We have forgotten why we are here, why it is so hard here, why there is a veil, why we are all so confused and angry and hurt. And none of it is God’s fault! It is Lucifer’s fault. We are caught up in a cosmic war and we are in this tiny cutoff space where we don’t remember any of it and we are deeply confused.
No wonder God has so much compassion and mercy for us. It is no wonder that they would come down here to save us. How could they do anything else? It is what you do when you are a God, you do what must be done. There really is no other option.
We all need to remember who we are. We need to remember or at least understand what is really going on and who our true enemy is. It is not each other.
Ephesians 6:12 tells us this very thing:
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
I wanted to share something I found to be very helpful for me as I was learning how to communicate with my husband in a new way, a way that did not place us as each other's enemies. It is a script that I still don’t use perfectly in the “heat of the moment”, but I’m getting better at it. And I’m really good at using it “after the fact”, like 20 minutes later or even a day after a misunderstanding.
It has opened up an understanding between me and my husband on a few issues that we have been in conflict over for more than 20 years!
All because I was finally able to say: “You know when you do this thing…I assume it means this…and then I feel this way…. And that’s why I always react this way…”
And he was like: “Really? No, that’s not at all why I’m doing it or what it means…”
It’s called The Feeling Formula. I think it came from an interview with a woman called Dr. Sue Johnson. (I really need to keep better notes!) Here is the script:
“When (share what happened),
I assumed (share your assumption),
And I felt (share your vulnerable feeling)."
This is a simple way to share your feelings about something without upsetting your partner. And remember that feelings are ONE WORD only. If you use more than one word, you are describing what you are thinking, not what you are feeling, and that’s where innocent conversations blow up into hurtful arguments.
I have found this way of communicating to be immensely helpful when we were trying to navigate our way out of acting and feeling as though we were each other's enemies. You must tread carefully with gentleness and forgiveness as you learn to create emotional safety for each other in your relationship. Remember, you are the most dangerous person in your spouse's world, because you have the ability to hurt them more than anyone else because they love you. We should all hold that truth sacred and strive to be our spouses' most safe place.
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